Ramblings of a Twilighter
by oh.holy.martel
Summary: My random thoughts on Twilight...parodies on things that always annoyed me...y'know, the usual. If it always annoyed you how Bella supposedly has undying devotion to edward but still wants Jacob...you've come to the right place.
1. A Poem from Bella to Edward

**A/N: Yes, I know, writing random parodies while I should be working on Alice's story or Intertwilight...but I just couldn't resist. It always bugged be how Bella was completely devoted to Edward, but she loved Jacob...can you say flip-flopper? Well, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer. I am just smeone who invested in storybook voodoo dolls. **

Edward, oh Edward--

How I want to be with you, and only you

Well, maybe Jacob too

But Mike, Tyler, and Eric are just ew

Though Felix could cheer me up if I was blue...

And Demetri's pretty sexy too

Don't forget James, who I did rue

I'd have fun with Jasper if we chose to do

Emmett if Rosalie wasn't too blue

That surfer guy in Honolulu

Also the stick figure I just drew

A happy face that looks kinda like you

Right there, that timid little shrew

Oh apple tree, how I love you

For pizza, I am truest of the true

Edward, I want you and only you--

Hey! I am not a prude!

Why do I put up with someone so rude?

**Review!..If you liked this, I already have two more ideas...**


	2. Bella's Ode to Jacob

**A/N: Must...destroy...all of Bella's relationships...Enjoy! R&R please!**

**Disclaimer: You happen to have short-term memory loss problems? Well, that has nothing to do with me or Stephenie Meyer. Now read!**

Oh Jacob, oh Jacob,

Your friends look really fine,

Oh Jacob, oh Jacob,

Their teeth have such a glistening shine!

Oh Jacob, oh Jacob,

They're getting rather close,

Oh Jacob, oh Jacob,

I think I'm really toas--AIEEEEEEEEEEE!

**I know, I know it's incredibly short and annoying--but so funny! Set somewhere like with Laurent, but after she knows it's Jacob.**

**You know what to do...**


	3. Condensed Eclipsian Parody

**A/N: Yes, third chapter...what the **_**true**_** Eclipse should have been like, shortened. Hehe...**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer, I am a host in her body. My books are subliminal messages to the world. Be bewitched, and live in a parasitic peaceful world. (JK, lolz. Not Stephenie Meyer or a host parasite possessing her.)**

" Oh Edward!

Oh Jacob!

Oh Edward!

Oh Jacob!

I love you, Edward! (sneaks away)

I love you, Jacob! (rides motorcycle away)

I love you, Edward! (rides off with Jacob into early morning)

I love you, Jacob! (punches in face and threatens to crowbar)

Oh Edward!

Oh Jacob!

Oh Edward!

Oh Jacob!

However am I going to decide?

I know, why don't you both stand in a line!

Edward's got the prettiest hair

And as for eyes, there's no compare

But Jacob's chest is more well muscled

He's also warm, sun's better than marble

Cold lips and moral agonies

Or warm body and jealous bitterness

Children or an eternity of perfection

So hard to choose, I just can't decide!

Stand there for a few hours while I mope and whine!"

Says Edward to Jacob "Let's split this place. She isn't that pretty anyways."

Says Bella to Edward "NOOOO! COME BACK, MY DARLING EDDIE-POO!"

Edward leaves, and Bella starts sobbing

Says Bella to Jacob "Comfort me, please! I need you, I need you, but only when Edward's a meanie!"

Says Jacob to Edward "You know leech you're right, she is kinda a nag, your sister Alice's really sweet, I'll hook up with her instead."

Says Alice to Bella "Sorry Bella, but Jacob is much better at wearing these dresses."

Says Jasper to Alice "HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MY DEAREST ALICE SWEET!!"

Says Alice to Jasper "Your endearments are lame as well as your sex, and besides you're gay so go away, les!"

Says japer to Alice "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COULD BE SO MEAN! I'LL GO CRY MO TEARS AND SLIT MY WRISTS CLEAN!"

Says Edward to Jasper "I'll comfort you, sweetheart, you can shed your Emo tears on me. let's come out as gay Emos, my beautiful queen!"

Mike Newton appears, with bright crimson irises

Says Mike Newton to Bella "I got changed for you, my lovely, my sweet! I'll fight Edward for you, once I finish this speech."

Says Bella to Mike, sobbing uncontrollably "But Edward's gone, he's abandoned me."

Says Mike to Bella, looking 'round furtively "Oh. In that case, where's Esme?"

Says Bella to everyone, sobbing helplessly "Doesn't anyone still want me?"

Says everyone to Bella "Nope!! No one likes a crybaby!!"

**Okay...hides in a corner from own randomness. No, I do not approve of the parings listed here (except maybe the gay emos Edward and Jasper...teehee). I just think that, through all of Eclipse, Bella needs a good slap in the face so she **_**just stops whining! **_

**Review, you know you want to...**


	4. Professor Emmett's Scientific Adventures

**A/N: Yes, the pranking Emmett from Twilight returns! You know you wanted him too! (Read Intertwilight please--it's pretty good.) The first scientific myth he'll test--girls and spiders. bet you can guess what happens.**

**Disclaimer: Let me go dig out my birth certificate and check...WHAT! MY NAME IS SECRETLY ISABELLA MARIE SWAN? I NEVER KNEW! Well, it isn't Stephenie Meyer...so be satisfied and begone with you. Now read on!**

**Emmett's Log: Case 1 (A/N: I have removed all the spelling errors from his account, because it bugs me to write that way...and I wanted you guys to be able to read it. Enjoy. ;D)**

So I was sitting in English last week--the one class I have without anyone else--and someone screamed.

I mean, this mousy brown-haired girl just jumped out of her chair and _screamed_! It was earsplitting, the sound went on and on until the person sitting next to her looked (another girl, positively homely next to my Rose) went to look. Then _she _started screaming, and everyone came over to look, and the teacher kept calling for order but was drowned out because when they saw what it was all the _other _girls started screaming.

So then, naturally I had to go and see what it was, and I pushed my way to the front of the crowd. (Super vampire strength is useful sometimes, not like I couldn't have done it before.)

And, get this--all there was was a little brown spider! Perfectly harmless! Even for a ridiculously fragile human!

I may have made some small sound of disbelief (okay, a big giant snort) and some guy that I didn't know the name of (why would I know his name? It's never going to matter) looked at me and said, "Didn't you know? It's a universal fact that all girls hate spiders."

Hmmm...this sounds like a job for Professor Emmett! Da da duh!

Well, the first step I took was to get the proper materials. I pretended I went hunting (I blamed Bella, works for Edward, why not me?) and went to the pet store instead (mm, some variety) and purchased the _cutest_ tarantula! It was big and furry and had bands of irridescent gold and blue and such _cute_ big black beady eyes! Who's the little snookum...

Ahem. I decided to save Bella for last, figuring she would be the most stereotypical human reaction. I decided to do Esme first, since I could hear her humming in the living room...cleaning most likely. Even though the house is already spotless! I mean, seriously, doesn't she have better things to do?

Like what, you ask? What is there to do in a town like Forks? Well, I could teach her to play video games...

I decided, for dramatic effect, that I would just put little Goldie (I named her) on top of my head and act completely unaware, the best for a reaction. Now for the test...

"Hi, Esme," I said cheerfully, doing my best clueless act as I looked at the living room. She was dusting, which was weird how there could be so much dust since according to my science teacher dust was made from dead skin cells and vampire's skin didn't come off... "Looks good."

She smiled and looked up, saying, "Thank you, sweet--"

And then she screamed.

Now, I'm assuming you've never heard Esme scream. If you think Rosalie or Alice are bad, you should try Esme. She's careful not to scream with any humans around, though, because it shatters their fragile eardrums. Right now, she just shattered all the windows in the house.

"What is that--that THING!" she screeched, taking out a priceless vase from the Ming dynasty. And the crystal chandelier. "I'll save you, Emmett! Just hold still!"

She raised the duster like a warrior and let out a battle cry that shattered all of our crystal and glassware, not to mention the cabinet we kept it in, and if I hadn't moved would have smashed poor Goldie into blood and entrails. Esme kept going, unable to stop, and slammed into the floor created a duster smashed to bits and splintered pieces with a giant rift in the floor. She fell into it,

and I scooped Goldie off my head and ran for it. This part of the experiment was over.

"COME BACK HERE EMMETT!! I HAVE TO KILL THAT THING!!" Esme yelled as I hightailed it out of there. Time to get the other's reactions.

Alice and Rose were, as this being a weekend (I had already had that classroom experience), shopping. Normally Jasper and I did guy things (videogames, extreme sports, vacationing in exotic tropical places with hot girls) and of course, hunting every other weekend.

I followed their scent, luckily not having to go in some of the more questionable stores they had gone in. some of the clerks gave me questioning looks, the females appraising, some a little weirded as I lingered by the doors of fancy girls boutiques and sniffed the air.

I followed the trail and then paused...damn. The Victoria's Secret mannequins, dressed and parading some of their lacy lingerie, seemed to mock me as I realized the trail ended here. i would have to go in there to find them.

But, hey, at least i would get some other women as a test result...

I didn't put Goldie on my head again until right before I found them, for the full effect. No need for other screams to tip them off. They knew i was coming, of course, they could sense me, but apparently shopping was more important.

I got to the aisle and plopped Goldie on my head before striding down as if nothing was wrong. Rose glanced up, giving a _save-me _expression before she caught sight of the thing on my head. I bet if Edward was here, he would have winced at her thoughts.

"EMMETT!! WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR HEAD?!" she screeched, causing every patron in the store to look over in interest. This was going to be good.

I decided to play clueless again. "Huh? What do you mean?"

"THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD!!" A few people outside the mall turned to look two; a few of the salesclerks were hurrying our way. Rose picked up a mannequin and threw it at me, I dodged easily. Alice, her interest finally piqued, glanced up. "What? Emmett got himself a pet. It's not worth missing this lingerie sale." She went back to her shopping. I laughed out loud, trust Alice not to remember to be scared of spiders when there was shopping to be done. She was nearly always the exception.

By now a few of the other patrons had spotted Goldie, and had joined their shrill screams to Rose's. One lady actually fainted, revealing her black Victoria's Secret lingerie. Not a sight I wanted to see.

By now rose had picked up something else, namely one of the clothing racks (not the one Alice was looking at, or she would have had a lot more to contend with) and threw it at me. I slid Goldie off as I dodged and ran out of the store, using my vamp speed so Rose wouldn't catch up. I needed to get the last test done before I even thought about facing her.

Bella and Edward were at their special clearing, and normally I wouldn't dream of interrupting (I like both of my arms where they are, thank you), but I had to finish the experiment. i was looking forward to Bella's reaction. Maybe she'd try to run away and fall down.

I wasn't thinking about what would happen after on purpose, we were in a deserted place and he could run faster than i could. Maybe he would have to tend to Bella first...this pissed people up almost as much as a good prank. Maybe I should plan more experiments.

Edward was just lying there, sparkling, while Bella very gently stroked his face. Sheesh, someone needed to teach them how to have fun. Emmett style...

The wind blew against my back and Edward stiffened, up and whirling in an instant. I cussed. I had to get there before he saw the--damn, I forgot he could read my thoughts--so I all-out sprinted. Bella, startled, had moved back and asked anxiously, "Edward, what's wrong?"

"Emmett being an idiot, love," he replied, flashing his trademark crooked grin at her as she melted. "We'll see what he's up to soon enough."

I got there in another second and put Goldie atop my head, from where I had cupped her safely behind my back. I stopped right before Bella, Edward stiffened but made no move to attack. "Hey Bella, hey Edward," I said as cheerfully as I could. Now to wait until she notices it--

"Eeek!" Bella exclaimed, falling back onto Edward.

"What's wrong, love?" he asked anxiously, eying me with hostility. I practiced my wide-eyed innocent look. Then he caught a good look at the spider on my head. "AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!!"

he shrieked. Edward retreated from Bella and scrambled to his feet, turning and sprinting away as fast as he was able.

That was funny. Perfect Edward, afraid of spiders? That was good for a few centuries of teasing, at the very least. Not to mention all the pranks...

Before my mind could wander any further, I pulled Goldie off and waved to Bella with my free hand. "Bye, Bella!" I called to her distraught form. "Edward should be back soon!" Then I dashed off, to feed Goldie. She deserved it, with all her hard work.

When I got to my room I put Golide back on my head, just for fun. Rose wasn't there, which was good. I needed to get Goldie settled and explain it to Rose so she didn't accidentally-on-purpose destroy her.

Goldie started twitching atop my head, but I figured that was normal for spiders. Then I felt something wet, and a bunch of little...scurryings. uh-oh.

Then I felt prickling as five baby spiders scurried down me to the floor, while Goldie collapsed against my head in exhaustion. I tried to catch them (after removing her carefully first) but they were so damn fast! They scurried off to corners of the room, places I couldn't reach and couldn't find. Damn! The person at the pet store didn't tell me she was _pregnant!_

When Rose finds out I'm going to be even deader than I already am...

**Hehehee...poor Emmett. Sorry that took so much longer, it was a lot of typing. I've got a great idea for the next chapter, so review if you want to read it! The next chapter to Intertwilight should be posted soon...I'm halfway done. As always, R&R...**

**Your suggestions are appreciated...I may run out of ideas. And expect a memo about my new Save the Mountain Lions Club! You know you want to join!**


	5. The Save The Mountain Lions Club Is Born

**A/N: New chapter for my lovely reviewers...so sorry I haven't updated any of my stories in, like, forever. As a reward, I give my thoughts on the Cullen's "vegetarianism." Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I did not secretly publish breaking dawn under a pseudonym and create a false life complete with pictures. I did not kidnap Stephenie Meyer, threaten her children, and become the new owner of the twilight empire. Though I'm still considering the last one.**

I climbed into the passenger seat of my truck without a fight for once, not even taking the time to notice Edward's triumphant smile. I had something in mind to do today, and driving would just distract me.

"Edward?" I said carefully, watching the green-gray blurs of the trees as they rushed by with his usual too-fast driving. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, love," he said, trying to smile, though his eyes were worried. I knew he was wondering about what I could ask this time, wishing desperately that he could read my mind.

"Well...I was wondering...about your diet," I began, studying the glove compartment as I spoke. "How would you justify it?"

"I thought you already knew, Bella! I didn't ask to be a killer! We hunt animals so that we don't have to prey on humans," Edward enunciated carefully, golden eyes smoldering. "That is what you meant by your question, correct?"

"But, Edward," I said helplessly, spreading my arms wide and managing to hit both my headrest and the dashboard, "What about the poor mountain lions? They didn't do anything wrong!"

"You're arguing with me about the innocence of _mountain lions_?" he asked, tone thick with disbelief. I glared at him wordlessly. "Are you saying I should eat people? Become a monster?"

"You could eat criminals," I said, folding my arms over my chest. I noticed his eyes follow them downward and blushed.

"I could eat criminals? Bella, you're being positively absurd."

"Animals never did anything to you!" I screamed at him, enflamed. Call me absurd? He never listened to me! "How could you kill a poor little deer when there's _murders_ out there on the loose?"

"Bella..." Edward sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You want me to kill humans? I thought you understood."

My lip jutted out stubbornly. "You won't even listen to me. I can't stand by and let innocent animals meet their bloody demise because you think you're doing the right thing."

"Absolutely absurd..." he muttered, turning to look at me again. I dropped my gaze down quickly, sure my beliefs would waver under the power of his eyes. "Bella, look at me."

"I won't!" I exclaimed, getting out of my car and slamming the door. "This time you won't win! If you come in later, you'll have to help make badges."

"Make badges for what?" He sounded puzzled.

I grinned smugly. "For my new Save the Mountain Lions Club, of course!" And then I marched inside, triumphant. Even the fact that I had left my books in the car and that he was still sitting in the selfsame car couldn't ruin my mood.

I had just stood up to Edward and won. Charlie would be proud.

**So, how was it? It just annoys me that they're all high and mighty and pure when they kill poor innocent animals every week...**

**As always, review! The more I get the sooner the updates...suggestions are always welcome. Be sue to tell me what you thought. Did you think I had an accurate portrayal of Bella? Well, of course a bit OOC at the end, but still...**

**Like I said, review! Thanks for reading my story!**


	6. The Game of Perfection

**A/N: No reviews? The one day I pick to post no one's on? I am very disappointed in all of you ... you'd better review, or else!**

**Disclaimer: If I am Stephenie Meyer, I will get hit by a lighting bolt in the next thirty seconds ... (sizzle! zap!) Well (cough cough) that was unexpected ... **

Rosalie Hale was perfect. Perfectly perfect. In fact, when someone had invented the word perfect, they were probably staring at her ancient ancestress. Rosalie Hale was also lovely, graceful, ravishing, flawless, intelligent, charming, and very, very bored with life. But she didn't tend to mention that to others as much as the ones above.

So Rosalie, one day, decided on a game. After all, people were always staring at _her_. Why couldn't she look back at _them_? And Rosalie became, as well as the star, the one and only judge of her life.

After all, she was beautiful--why couldn't she judge everyone else because of it? As she walked home beside her father Rosalie would look at the men gaping and women longing, evaluating them and, just as quickly, dismissing them. They were all flawed ... hair frayed at the ends, zits poking through the layers of makeup, flabby thighs that no clothes could conceal. No one had ever earned a perfect, except for her.

And the Cullens. Try as she might, Rosalie could find no flaw--even their pallor that would look ghastly on anyone else only contributed to their allure. They were even more beautiful than her, and Rosalie could help hating them for it ... but what did it matter? They didn't mingle, and she did. Her name was the one on everyone's lips. She was, truly, a goddess.

One day, after too many worthless suitors to count, Rosalie holed herself up in her room and fought back a scream. How could they be so _stupid_? They were ugly. She was not. Why in the world would she want _them?_ The entire concept of being bound to someone was absurd. It wasn't for her, Rosalie Hale, the girl who had everything. Except a husband.

So, then, she had to marry, but ... who? No one was worthy. Even her parents could see that these suitors weren't in the same league as their darling baby girl ...

Suddenly it came to her. The only person Rosalie would marry would be a man who won the game. Was perfect enough for her.

She waited for five long years, and nearly despaired ...

Until that day. That day at the bank. The day she met _him._

Royce King. Even his name was perfect.

The only other person--well, real person. the Cullens didn't count--to win the game besides her. _Ever._ And he had sent her roses.

She was planning their wedding already.

**Just a bit of mocking insight into Rosalie's pre-change life. Thought that game would be fun to play ... And, of course, had to bring up the Cullens. I can't believe you guys didn't review my last chapter! Oh well, I'm feeling generous, so I give you this one free of charge. You better not disappoint. **

**As always, reviews, questions, comments, complaints, suggestions ...**


	7. A Poem On the Art of a Twilight Cliche

**A/N: Welcome, all, to the seventh chapter of Ramblings of a Twilighter! I thought I'd give you all another one of my junk poems, considering that's probably why you started reading.**

**And here's the clincher on this one: it's not merely mocking twilight, it's mocking fanfic's version! (My apologies, to people who have stories along these lines. It's not like I don't like them, it's just that there's a lot of them, and everything there is too much of MUST BE MOCKED!!) Hehe. Sorry about that.**

**Disclaimer: If I were Stephenie Meyer, do you think I would be a half gigantic fan and half cynicist who writes about it? Well, perhaps ... believe what you may.**

**On the Art of a Twilight Cliche**

Edward the player's out with the guys

Some days he's bad-boy druggie clubbin',

And others he's just bored and hides his "sensitive self"

Away with his piano

Beneath messy bronze hair and a well-sculpted face

And a desire to "do."

Sometimes Bella's the goodie sometimes she's not

Been messed up depressed up

A klutz, a geek

An Emo, a freak

Popular, but still shy

Just another little girl inside, about ready to cry

Whether she's been there or has yet to go

All Bellas need an Edward to show

Whether it's love or whether it's hate

Or maybe he's come just a little too late

There's always someone in her thoughts

Bookworm, goth girl,

Love on her mind.

Emo Jasper screaming at the wall

HIs wife won't let him go to Hot Topic for his black eyeliner

Or maybe he's the quiet one, the dreamer

The guitarist, but never the singer.

Always the nice one, the sensitive

Bella's protector but never her brother

Bella's best friend but never her lover.

Or maybe Jasper the prankster,

Conned in by Emmett

Always getting his

From Edward and Alice.

Prank-loving Emmett, the vamp

Sometimes with Jasper and sometimes against

Sometimes with pink and Hannah's CDs

Sometimes a human the football team's muscle

Bella's big strong brother, humbled only by Rosalie.

Hardly ever serious, never

Losing his love for muscles, Rose, and videogames.

Pretty-pixie Alice,

Wearing only the best

And on a diet

All-sugar, all the time

Maybe she's like one of those little wind-up toys

That just never winds down?

Bella's BFF, the trio of popularity

The extrovert, the new girl

Edward's sis and Jasper's world.

Fire to his water,

Bull-terrier who never lets go

Pixie with powers, you'd better watch

Out.

The fashion adviser, whether they like it or not,

Knows all about love, except for herself.

Lovely Rosie

The haute couture of bitch

Rarely sympathized with, at least as a vampire

Otherwise that shy irresistible mechanic

With only Bella and Alice in the world

Or maybe one of the popular three, guess what part

She is?

Human it's Emmett

All the time anywhere

Not afraid to flaunt him

But when he messes up?

She's out of there.

Otherwise their relationship

Is quite a piece of work

An overgrown boy

And a bitter old girl.

He plays, she hits

He screams, she relents

She sulks, he tries

To win her back.

When it comes to love,

It's a good thing

She has him.

Esme the mother

Loves both her pretend sons and her daughters

Gives to Bella, too

You'd think since she doesn't bark

There's no bite to be found,

But if you read some more fanfic

You're wrong on both accounts.

There's an Esme out there who could rival Alice for voice,

The house her daughter's wardrobe

With cookies, of course.

Carlisle's there, the two mature parents

They have their fights, too,

And sweet romantic moments,

But through all of it you know

There isn't any way

That Esme's looking for love.

And of course we have Carlisle

The calm father figure,

So angelic

He can spend every day of his eternity

Steeped in the scent of human blood.

He likes to rap, to roleplay, to be obsessed

With cleaning,

To have

The most embarrassing secrets,

Excepting, of course, for Edward and

Emmett.

Acts like a father, best ever doctor,

Afraid of squirrels sometimes,

Mocked for his accent

Taken in

By pranking Emmett and crazy

Aro.

Esme's his life, though he sometimes forgets

But never over another, just over a mess

They've had their fights and sweet touches,

A team

And more than that, a pair

Of people who know the true meaning of

'Together forever.'

Meet the Twilight crew, the cast

If you will,

Of so many stories,

Fluffy and terrible and pranking and sick,

Bella and Edward's problems

For the world to see.

Go crazy with them, use what's already been done

And build, a crazy caricature

Of a family stuck together for far too long.

Or maybe a new meeting, sweet little humans

With their high school and college dramas and traumas.

Or maybe

Something new,

Audacious

Daring to defy

The standards of Twilight, set

By the fanfics of people

Just like you.

**Okay, not quite sure what happened ... but I liked it. You people better review after this! My first two chapters in forever and only two reviews, and they're from new people! Thank you very much, by the way. You know who you are.**

**If you want to see what quirky thing silly old me will come up with next, you'd better review ... I think I'll hold the next chapter hostage and you have to pay ransom. I demand five reviews, at least. Is that so much to ask?**


	8. Dough, Ray, Mii

**A/N: Yeah, finally another chapter, because my grandma was singing the Sound of Music and she commented earlier about how Twilight was impossible to read. And I talked to my BFF M, who I saw the movie with, which started us on the mirror scene, and thought about the EMO-ness of Jasper on the phone with her this morning. The other one is completely my random and possibly twisted mind at work. I apologize very much for not updating in an eternity and neglecting my absolutely astounding and amazingly patient reviewers. This goes out to all of you as well, for actually caring about my randomness.**

**Disclaimer: There is no way I'm that old and married. Just … no. Wrong. Not Mormon either, sorry. So I don't own Twilight or the Sound of Music, and I'm not sure I'd want to, either!**

**--**

**Original lyrics to the Sound of Music "Do Ray Mi":**

Doe, a deer, a female deer,

Ray, a drop of setting sun,

Me, a name, I call myself,

Far, a long long way to run,

Sew, a needle-pulling thread,

La, a note to follow sew,

Tea, a drink with jam and bread,

And that will bring us back to doe, doe, doe, doe!

**My modified Twilight lyrics:**

Dough, enough, the Cullens have,

Ray, what makes sparkles on their skin,

Mii, Rosalie new, on Emmett's Wii,

So, the description that fits Bella's insecurities to a tee,

Far, a word, that Edward can't know,

La, what Edward sings to Bella, slow,

Tea, what Carlisle used to drink before,

And that will bring us back to dough, dough, dough, dough!

Bella (EMO sob): "Stop _reminding_ me! Edward's inhumanly perfect and rich, too!"

Edward: "You know, Bella love, if you let me give you half of my fortune, we'd be equals and then you could afford college on your own and I could finally give you gifts."

Bella (Shoulders jerking now, speaking through totally unattractive tears): "B-b-but I can't! That's j-just too logical, and I'm so undeserving! Plus, then I wouldn't be so utterly helpless and you might leave m-me!"

Edward: "…"

--

**James, with Bella, in the Movie-Mirrored Ballet Studio:**

"And now, Bella, I'd like to leave Edward a little message in this visually dramatic setting –"

He stalked forward towards the cowering, undeniably plain-looking foolish human girl, intending to send her flying into the mirrors, but caught sight of his reflection just then – smexcilious in the extreme. The pony tail, as always, had been a good choice, giving him that rugged outdoorsy look like that idiot Victoria always admired … but he digressed. James shook himself hurriedly, gave his hair a brush and hooded his brilliantly crimson eyes for a better effect, and reapproached.

Snap, maniacal cackling, humans were so boringly predictable, really … as if a klutzy, broken-legged human could really get away from him. The scent of her blood, so much stronger now that it hit his nose, made his throat burn as painfully as if a werewolf dipped in Febreze had raked their claws down the inside of his throat, and James moved in for the kill … he had just barely begin to feast, the place didn't matter with pure life coursing through him and sating his thirst, when he was hit from behind by something like a finely toned rock and went crish-crash FLYING.

He was up instantly, brushing off the wreckage, and turned – to meet instant love.

Oh, God. Now that he was actually seeing them, the topaz of this Edward's eyes, even creased with worry – delicious. He'd take this over a human any day. James moved closer, mesmerized, to that defensive crouch … he whispered as Edward, his beautiful Edward, tensed, "Come on, leave the ugly human. I changed her so she's no use to you anyway. I can show you a _much_ better time."

Edward looked confused, straightening a bit as Bella continued to scream in pain ignored in her corner, reading the sincerity in James's thoughts as he said, "But … I'm not gay?"

"Of course you are, sweetheart," James said, going over to him and draping an arm about his shoulders, two perfect people reflected in all the mirrors except the one they'd broke. "Someone as perfect as you simply _has_ to be gay. Now come on, let's find us a decent guy to suck. Girls always scream too early."

Bella continued to scream, alone and abandoned on the floor. The rest of the Cullens, having gotten sidetracked by a McDonalds where all the employees tasted like fast food, conveniently forgot as well. She was found and staked by a renegade that had a cannibal fetish two and a half days later.

--

**Something the Mormon Author Didn't Quite Contemplate:**

Bella: "Oh, Edward, you got me pregnant! And somehow that's magically possible now, as a warning against condom-free sex!"

Edward: "I don't understand! This goes against all science!"

Bella: "How? Aren't two people who love each other supposed to be blessed?"

Carlisle: "Actually, Edward is right. Vampires are frozen, and while we don't have fertility cycles, we also shouldn't produce sperm, since we're essentially dead. Which means that the sperm Edward ejaculated into you …"

Edward: "Was created before I was changed. So it's endured for approximately eighty-something years. Can you see why I might be the tiniest bit worried, darling?"

Bella: "So you mean … ew. Ew. _Ew!_ That's like having a ninety-year-old's sperm! It is that! That's so gross! I've heard with the age of the father the mental deficiency effects increase! What if my precious son has defects because of you? You know, if I'd chosen Jacob nothing would have come of this …"

Edward: "I'm going to assume that you're so distraught that you can't help being hurtful. Now come on, Bella dear, it's time to go back so we can get you an abortion and buy some health-approved condoms to get back to our … honeymoon-style … life."

Bella: "I'm not giving him up, and you're not getting any until my precious baby's born, Mr. Old Guy. I don't need more ancient sperm festering."

--

**My Theory On How, Exactly, Jasper Accomplishes His EMO Acts:**

Jasper's Diary, Day 98 of Vampirism

I was in a fight today with the other newborns, and even though I killed two one got his mouth on my wrist. Can I ever describe such sweet sensation? It burned, yes, venom is painful, but it also felt … good, to feel like that again. The vampirism healed all of my earlier scars – I couldn't think of how to get back to it before today, since the only thing hard enough penetrate vampiric skin is vampire teeth – and that's it!

God, it feels so good … pay no heed to the bloodstains, diary. I've missed the pain so much, and even Maria can't make me feel as good as this … doesn't matter. God, I really should leave some skin for tomorrow …

It's a good thing that there's no one important left to feel guilty for, again. So why should I?

--

**So there it is. I was thinking of doing a cliché spin-off, another mockery thing for this, with all of the characters reversed and living in a haunted house boarding school kind of thing, to mock all those annoying high school fics out there for them. So if you want to read it, let me know and I'll get to work.**

**And I've changed my name more than ten times since my last update. Go me.**

**-N**


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